Ker-thunk ~ Thursday night

Oh its been a weird day...

Sticking to the challenge of only spending $21 on groceries and sundries is on target. We needed milk ($3), frozen beans ($1.79), wholemeal flour ($1.99) and splurged on some choc-coated ice cream icy-poles ($2.99) for SmallBoy - and us of course. *grins* So far we've spent $9.77 ~ leaving $11.23 to go through until 13th. If bartering continues as well as it has, it will only be milk and some dairy required - especially as the cat food aspect is sorted with Coles' brilliant special on Whiskas on the 31st. I didn't go back...

Everything set for payments have gone through successfully - no problems at all. We had funds available to cover SmallBoy's MRI ($60), his pain medications ($20.95), as well as those expenses on the day of his accident. The Council will no longer accept the $5 per month for the overdue home-help fees but will accept $10 per month. If I pay it at $5 per fortnight, it will be easier to manage and should be paid out earlier than scheduled. 

 

Lots of work has been going on about the house - more with the garden and weeding the Big Bed, getting ready to access the blackberry for its fruit and then pulling it all out. THAT will be a massive job and I am handing that part over to Husband! Physically some of the weeds get me struggling - I cannot imagine even trying to pull out blackberry vines. Heck changing the sheets on the queen-size beds is nigh on impossible for me!! Fingers crossed this delightful weather can continue for a few more days weeks ~ its making the outside work so much easier to accomplish.

  

A Medicated-Free Month

It's been about a month since I stopped taking pain medication. Yes, I ache and there is a level of constant of tolerable pain ~ but it is a part of what goes on for me. But it does not define me. I have never 'been' my disability, despite several people close to me in various levels using this as a reason to define and categorise me. I've always said I have currently limitations and inabilities - this does not seem to have been heard as intended, rather an excuse to not do.

Goals, hope and dreams for the future are clear and attainable. Wants and needs are too. I want to be stronger and fitter than I have ever been. I need to be living a simpler, less stressful life and one which can be reflected as sustainable and manageable. I want to get to Queensland ~ to find a section of land within reasonable distance of beach and mountain. I need to be somewhere warmer. I think our family will flourish in an environment of daylight, dark nights and warmer weather. I want to be a self producer - maybe a stall holder of natural goodies, or a bartering co-op, or some learning/teaching venture on returning to a more earthy, wholesome life.

The thing is ~ I am not really sure who I am any more. Or what exactly I want to be ~ knowing I can be anything... Humour me. 

I've been a journalist while at school and an industry trade editor shortly after leaving high school. I've been a business owner with an annual turnover of almost $1million (but little profit!), I've been an employee with passion and dedication, an employee with ambition and drive, a loving mother dealing with child with extreme behavioural disorders, food intolerances, a friend empowering, supporting and helping others. 

So I am not my pain or my disability ~ well, not much - its all the head space now. I don't know what or who I want or need to be. I know I need to be a mother, a wife, a homemaker, alive ~ but it is so tiring, so unorganised. I am a little impatient - knowing some things could be aided with extra income to get assistance in on housework, garden work ~ these activities take considerable time and effort (and procrastination) when I'm doing it.

Husband is a great man, a supportive man, a wonderful husband, lover, friend and father - but he is not an organised man. He does not manage time well. He is a procrastinator, avoider, picks the fun over the necessary. While a great trait - the balance is too heavy on the fun stuff that can occupy his time and focus. He'll say '5 mins' and then be gobsmacked when its 45mins later and I've done/been/whatever (cracked it) and often disbelieving of the time passing. There is no such thing as 'in 10 mins' because that's an hour. We never leave on time for anything.

I feel like I am walking on a wire keeping me together, moving forward or at least not falling behind or stagnating. I set three main goals to achieve each day - one household, one de-cluttering and one which provides joy - usually the garden. But I am not getting these done well. The mess is a big issue - its everywhere and even taking little steps do not seem to be working. I want to throw everything, and I mean everything, out. But financially this is foolish - eBay has been so good for sales, when I get to it - I hope to enlist SmallBoy's help in the uploading of pictures. 

Its a vicious circular cycle which I can't break as I don't hold all the power - and its not just about being in control, or having the control. I am happy to be the captain, but the crew need to use a little initiative.  Sure, hubby knows he has to step up, find his priorities, work out his goals - its got little to do with the love, more to do with the processes. All the love in heaven is not going to get the lawn mowed, the windows washed or the roof fixed - those I cant do, cant afford to outsource. *sighs* Its never ending...

To ensure some positive actual changes are implemented, if only by me for me, I am setting Daily Intentions ~ but only one at a time. I set the first one and tweeted it earlier. As each one is achieved, successful or not, I shall set my next intention - be it a goal, an activity, a commitment to an undertaking. You get the idea. 

My Daily Intention:  

Tomorrow I will rise at 8am. I will tweet I am up and eating breakfast by 830am. Please support me as I implement change into my life. 

So - time for bed. I am off to make rosemary sprigs (for ANZAC Day parade participants and attendees), planning to get into town by 930 and help out for a few hours. Husband is taking SmallBoy to school for a few hours to catch up with friends before the school holidays start. It's going to be about 4-5 weeks before he next goes to school, if he does not have surgery - otherwise it might be longer. 

As always I waffle - time to go to bed (after I set a load of washing off for the night - hot water is cheaper at night *tip*).  Speaking of washing - don't forget to submit your hint to have the chance to win one of three Bosisto's Eucalyptus Packs ~ details are here -->  <Click here to go to the Giveaway post> 

OK ~ going now...

and I bitch about Husband's procrastinating habits and poor time management... *grins*

Whinges, Woes and Wonder

Guys, I am struggling through stage two of opiate/narcotic pain medication withdrawal ~ apologies in advance (and arrears) for gaps and/or scattiness. Not having fun, not wishing to bore you, just needed to get it out there...

These past few days have been difficult - either sleeping for close to 18hrs of the day or surviving on 4hrs or less at other times. As I said to some girlfriends, moving into the next drop/change of pain med withdrawal and, 'scuse the inference, absolutely screwing with me, my brain, energy, family and everything. Some days I don't sleep others I don't wake - I feel I am looking and acting like those depicted in Dogs in Space or Train Spotting ~ and apparently this is kind of to be expected. I want to give up and return to the fog of pain relief because this crap is driving me insane, mad or something in between. 

Dear Husband is an amazing man - he is stepping up to the role of carer, cleaner, cook, husband and father like never before. It's been hard on him too because if I didn't expect to be feeling and acting as I have, he certainly didn't. Our marvellous doctor has been totally reassuring of the experiences, my head lady has been supportive and explains other issues I feel as being totally normal considering the situation and length of medication usage. Who would have thought.

But I hurt ~ I ache, feel stiff and sore. Part is because I've not used many muscles in many years but part is because I've had one side of my 'innards' rearranged or straightened and unhooked from the 45 degree angle, posture and stance in place for almost a decade. So there are parts inside really quite unimpressed with this idea of being straight and upright, the bits of metal enforcing this erection issue (hehehe, erection dysfunction even) and some bits are sick of being their new position and want to go back to the old ways. So its a battle on so many fronts.

Yes I whinge about our financial position ~ but its a little bit like being between a rock and a hard place. I can't work at this stage, but I need to be active. Husband can work, but I need his help - especially at the moment while Mands the Zombie is in da-house. I am dangerous in the car so Husband needs to do the school run - we are not on any public transport route which will get SmallBoy to school and back daily. I can drive, but I get distracted, feel sleepy and disorientated, forget where I am. How scary is that!? And legally I can be out on the roads like this!! 

What more can a poor girl do?

*Thank you Split Enz for the line*

There are programmes and activities I can participate in to help get through this ~ however we don't have the funds to do this. I've got to 'stretch' out my appointments with the psychologist to ensure I don't run out of my 12 'free' appointments this year. I need to be seeing her weekly, not monthly! I cant afford to see the myotherapist and/or acupuncturist more than once a month, however we are forfeiting grocery shops for back appointments at the moment - only fortnightly appointments of one or the other. I should be having an appointment at each at least weekly. The myotherapist had me able to look over my right shoulder for the first time in 9years last session - have you any idea how exciting and amazing that was? Sadly, but as to be expected, that regressed after 3-4 days - imagine if I was having appointments every 3-4 days!

Hydrotherapy is only available twice a week at the rehab centre ~ I am only 'eligible' for one session. However recent upgrades to the regional YMCA has seen a public hydrotherapy pool installed. At $6.60 per entry, this is quite reasonable - but that is milk and bread for a week for us - and I really should be going 2-3 times a week. We do not have $20 spare ~ I can shop for a week with $20 and sometimes don't have that available. How pathetic does that sound? 

I must stress - we are not starving, nor is it likely we will be in such a position in the next three months. If something catastrophic occurred tomorrow and all access to shops and transport were severed, but power, heating and Internet were still available, it would be of little difference to our normal day to day other than providing us with no petrol expenditure requirements in getting SmallBoy to school. Sometimes I think just an extra $50-$100 a week would do the trick...

Any ways - only a little spending last week with milk and petrol, oh and therapy. Hmmm - perhaps $100 spent all up and the rest on mortgage, bills and debt. All going well it will only be milk and therapy next week - I am guessing we will need milk on Wednesday and therapy is on Friday. The menu will be up tomorrow, its a public holiday so nothing will be open to entice us *smiles*  Hoping to find a deadly-treadlie push bike for me to ride and start strengthening up the right side of my body. Getting out in the sun, being active and being away from the house might be as good for the soul as it should be for the body! Anyone got a bike in good working order they could fling my way - even a loaner would do me just fine *grins*

Here's something for nothing

I feel sorry for those who have made it this far down the page ~ a very self centred sad sack misery guts post - so here's something for free you can request online and I have a feeling this product is going to be sensational. I've ordered one for me and one for MudGuts ~ he should enjoy getting this in the mail as much as I will!!

You know I use Bosisto's products in my home made cleaners, check the Blog entry Tripping through Tuesday in Feb 11 for recipes. Try the laundry powder for yourself & say Mands sent you *grins* You can get a free sample from this link:  http://www.fgb.com.au/information/bosistos-eucofresh-laundry-powder-sample ~ if the promotion has run clean (geddit!?!), keep an eye on future blog posts ~ there might be something else come up in the future. I'll let you know :D

Plus, because the mind is actually racing at a zillion miles an hour, I've the gabbling of a song going through my head so here's that in the making. Enjoy your Monday peoples...

Her Mother's Daughter

Hey there sister

Do you feel let down

Oh how you missed her

Now she's nowhere to be found

She's put you in the side lines

You're not a feature in her life

Guess you know you're now the one 

She's left with all the strife

Poor little sister

Hey there good friend

She sure dumped on you

You only tried to help her

Boy how you were screwed

She made it look all your fault

Her jealousy did that

When you went to hug her

She had to push your back

Poor old good friend

It's a lonely bitter lady

Standing in her mother's shoes

Copying the woman

She hates but has to choose

To be the same as

Send the blame at

Be ashamed as

She's her mother's daughter 

Oh dear children

Mother always so mad

If its not her friends or family

It's your brother or your dad

Coz it's never her fault

Ask her - she's blameless

You will learn

That she is shameless

Poor dear children

It's a lonely bitter lady

Standing in her mother's shoes

Copying the woman

She hates but has to choose

To be the same as

Send the blame at

Be ashamed as

She's her mother's daughter 

Why didn't grandpa ever like me

You're the reason I didn't feel free

She made me look a fool

He was such a jerk, a tool

I only lied to twist the facts

I can tell 'cos I studied about that

Why did I have to have a son

I can't be truthful to anyone

I am never ever wrong

Stop talking about me in your songs

She's such a lonely bitter lady

Know's she is like her mum

And pretends she's not that woman

She hates but has become

To be the same as

Send the blame at

Be ashamed as

She's her mother's daughter