Guys, I am struggling through stage two of opiate/narcotic pain medication withdrawal ~ apologies in advance (and arrears) for gaps and/or scattiness. Not having fun, not wishing to bore you, just needed to get it out there...
These past few days have been difficult - either sleeping for close to 18hrs of the day or surviving on 4hrs or less at other times. As I said to some girlfriends, moving into the next drop/change of pain med withdrawal and, 'scuse the inference, absolutely screwing with me, my brain, energy, family and everything. Some days I don't sleep others I don't wake - I feel I am looking and acting like those depicted in Dogs in Space or Train Spotting ~ and apparently this is kind of to be expected. I want to give up and return to the fog of pain relief because this crap is driving me insane, mad or something in between.
Dear Husband is an amazing man - he is stepping up to the role of carer, cleaner, cook, husband and father like never before. It's been hard on him too because if I didn't expect to be feeling and acting as I have, he certainly didn't. Our marvellous doctor has been totally reassuring of the experiences, my head lady has been supportive and explains other issues I feel as being totally normal considering the situation and length of medication usage. Who would have thought.
But I hurt ~ I ache, feel stiff and sore. Part is because I've not used many muscles in many years but part is because I've had one side of my 'innards' rearranged or straightened and unhooked from the 45 degree angle, posture and stance in place for almost a decade. So there are parts inside really quite unimpressed with this idea of being straight and upright, the bits of metal enforcing this erection issue (hehehe, erection dysfunction even) and some bits are sick of being their new position and want to go back to the old ways. So its a battle on so many fronts.
Yes I whinge about our financial position ~ but its a little bit like being between a rock and a hard place. I can't work at this stage, but I need to be active. Husband can work, but I need his help - especially at the moment while Mands the Zombie is in da-house. I am dangerous in the car so Husband needs to do the school run - we are not on any public transport route which will get SmallBoy to school and back daily. I can drive, but I get distracted, feel sleepy and disorientated, forget where I am. How scary is that!? And legally I can be out on the roads like this!!
What more can a poor girl do?
*Thank you Split Enz for the line*
There are programmes and activities I can participate in to help get through this ~ however we don't have the funds to do this. I've got to 'stretch' out my appointments with the psychologist to ensure I don't run out of my 12 'free' appointments this year. I need to be seeing her weekly, not monthly! I cant afford to see the myotherapist and/or acupuncturist more than once a month, however we are forfeiting grocery shops for back appointments at the moment - only fortnightly appointments of one or the other. I should be having an appointment at each at least weekly. The myotherapist had me able to look over my right shoulder for the first time in 9years last session - have you any idea how exciting and amazing that was? Sadly, but as to be expected, that regressed after 3-4 days - imagine if I was having appointments every 3-4 days!
Hydrotherapy is only available twice a week at the rehab centre ~ I am only 'eligible' for one session. However recent upgrades to the regional YMCA has seen a public hydrotherapy pool installed. At $6.60 per entry, this is quite reasonable - but that is milk and bread for a week for us - and I really should be going 2-3 times a week. We do not have $20 spare ~ I can shop for a week with $20 and sometimes don't have that available. How pathetic does that sound?
I must stress - we are not starving, nor is it likely we will be in such a position in the next three months. If something catastrophic occurred tomorrow and all access to shops and transport were severed, but power, heating and Internet were still available, it would be of little difference to our normal day to day other than providing us with no petrol expenditure requirements in getting SmallBoy to school. Sometimes I think just an extra $50-$100 a week would do the trick...
Any ways - only a little spending last week with milk and petrol, oh and therapy. Hmmm - perhaps $100 spent all up and the rest on mortgage, bills and debt. All going well it will only be milk and therapy next week - I am guessing we will need milk on Wednesday and therapy is on Friday. The menu will be up tomorrow, its a public holiday so nothing will be open to entice us *smiles* Hoping to find a deadly-treadlie push bike for me to ride and start strengthening up the right side of my body. Getting out in the sun, being active and being away from the house might be as good for the soul as it should be for the body! Anyone got a bike in good working order they could fling my way - even a loaner would do me just fine *grins*
Here's something for nothing
I feel sorry for those who have made it this far down the page ~ a very self centred sad sack misery guts post - so here's something for free you can request online and I have a feeling this product is going to be sensational. I've ordered one for me and one for MudGuts ~ he should enjoy getting this in the mail as much as I will!!
You know I use Bosisto's products in my home made cleaners, check the Blog entry Tripping through Tuesday in Feb 11 for recipes. Try the laundry powder for yourself & say Mands sent you *grins* You can get a free sample from this link: http://www.fgb.com.au/information/bosistos-eucofresh-laundry-powder-sample ~ if the promotion has run clean (geddit!?!), keep an eye on future blog posts ~ there might be something else come up in the future. I'll let you know :D
Plus, because the mind is actually racing at a zillion miles an hour, I've the gabbling of a song going through my head so here's that in the making. Enjoy your Monday peoples...
Her Mother's Daughter
Hey there sister
Do you feel let down
Oh how you missed her
Now she's nowhere to be found
She's put you in the side lines
You're not a feature in her life
Guess you know you're now the one
She's left with all the strife
Poor little sister
Hey there good friend
She sure dumped on you
You only tried to help her
Boy how you were screwed
She made it look all your fault
Her jealousy did that
When you went to hug her
She had to push your back
Poor old good friend
It's a lonely bitter lady
Standing in her mother's shoes
Copying the woman
She hates but has to choose
To be the same as
Send the blame at
Be ashamed as
She's her mother's daughter
Oh dear children
Mother always so mad
If its not her friends or family
It's your brother or your dad
Coz it's never her fault
Ask her - she's blameless
You will learn
That she is shameless
Poor dear children
It's a lonely bitter lady
Standing in her mother's shoes
Copying the woman
She hates but has to choose
To be the same as
Send the blame at
Be ashamed as
She's her mother's daughter
Why didn't grandpa ever like me
You're the reason I didn't feel free
She made me look a fool
He was such a jerk, a tool
I only lied to twist the facts
I can tell 'cos I studied about that
Why did I have to have a son
I can't be truthful to anyone
I am never ever wrong
Stop talking about me in your songs
She's such a lonely bitter lady
Know's she is like her mum
And pretends she's not that woman
She hates but has become
To be the same as
Send the blame at
Be ashamed as
She's her mother's daughter
you are doing an amazing job Mands.I don't know what else to say.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what state you are in, but if you are in Victoria you should be eligible for Home Help (someone to help you around the house while you are recuperating) and if you are eligible for that - check with your doctor, they can hook you up - then you should be eligible for someone to drive your child to and from school as you cannot due to your condition.
ReplyDeleteLook into it. No one TELLS you this stuff is available. And that sucks.
Hope you are feeling somewhat better, offloading on your blog is always good therapy!
Thanks Trish ~ I'll get there *grins*
ReplyDeleteKelley ~ Home Help was granted for 12 months, 1.5hrs a fortnight 4mths before my op and 6months after the op, but not while Hubby was home immediately post op. Council, repeatedly cancelling my service due to illnesses, other urgent care requirements and insufficient cleaners, decided I didn't need it after that time. It's one of the reasons Husband is now home as my carer. I was grateful to have the service, however it is also one of the debts (big balls up, stubborn co-ordinator, ce la - karma bites...)
The drive to school facilities are simply not available - been there, thrashed the system. NPT cant do - SmallBoy is not the patient; the school bus route does not grid between home and school; teachers cannot pick him up. For the past two years, school has helped with the coordination of local families to help - brilliantly and graciously we have had community support. Legally I am allowed to drive - I would pass all drug and alcohol testing - I just know I shouldn't. It's another reason Husband is my/our Carer - some help does not extend to the family members, it becomes the family's responsibility and, in our case, required the income earner to stop work for the time being.
*grins* and offloading on the blog really did help! Making it real (out of the head and onto a page) is great therapy - and its free *laughs* Gotta love that!! Thanks for caring Kelley - it is appreciated :D